The Five Formulas of Break-Up Songs

 Besides ice cream and pictures of Ryan Gosling, there's no better way to get over a break-up than to listen to music. Here are a few of favorite songs that show all the emotions you have after being dumped.

For "I'm So Sad I'm Being Dumped and I Swear I'm Gonna Get Him/Her Back"

1. "Don't Bother Me"- The Beatles

 One of the Fab Four just got dumped (seriously, though, who in their right mind would dump a Beatles? Well, maybe Ringo,) and they don't want to see anyone until she comes back, (which she inevitably will, because, they're THE BEATLES.) I'm guessing Ringo wrote this song, because when ever any of the other Beatles got dumped, they left them for Japanese artists or hippie-chick photographers/heiresses, or the most lusted women in British rock (Pattie Boyd).

For "My Ex Boyfriend/Girlfriend Sucks and I Hope (S)he Gets Hit By A Truck"

2. "You're Time is Gonna Come"- Led Zeppelin

The prototype for the basic "you cheated on me and I hate you" formula ("Before He Cheats", "Bust Your Windows", "Just a Friend", etc.), Robert Plant sings, somewhat surprisingly, that he's been cheated on and she's going to get hers, so he's not going to be sad. I doubt Robert would actually be that upset, considering the fact that, circa 1972, he had been with 25% of the women on earth, a record later broken by Prince.

For "I'm Actually Going to Kill Him/Her- Seriously, The Body's In The Trunk"

3. "Good-Bye Earl"- The Dixie Chicks

This song is literally about a woman (Wanda) and her best friend (Mary Ann) who kills the former's husband (Earl) after he starts to abuse her. The murderesses poison him (with black-eyed peas, no less), stuff him into back of the car, and drown him, and they never get caught. Sweet justice!

For "I Still Love You and I Wish We Didn't Break Up But I Know It's Over"

4. "Divorce Song"- Liz Phair

This song follows Liz and her (soon to be ex)boyfriend who went on a really long, awkward car ride, check into a hotel, she refuses to stay in the same room as him, and he basically tells her she's "not worth talking to", which hurts. This is the most awkward song on the whole Exile in Guyville album, which is saying something, considering there's a song blatantly and bluntly talking about one of Liz's (apparently many) one-night stands ("**** and Run").

For "We've Broken Up But We Can Still Be Good Friends and I Mean That in The Real Way, Not In a 'I Secretly Think You're Scum' Way"

5. "(Good Riddance) Time Of Your Life"- Green Day

Famous for being used for the last episode of Seinfeld, this song also doubles/triples/quadruples as a graduation song/prom song/"elevator music staple", according to Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist. Sadly, Billie Joe Armstrong has the very un-punk (not to mention unfair) distinction of being the only pop-punker to have his music played in as dial-tone music, only cementing their status as punk sell-outs. I don't care. Still think Green Day rules.


Other Break-Up Songs That Don't Fit Into Any of These Categories but I Love Anyway-

1. "Paper Bag"- Fiona Apple

2. "Stutter"- Elastica

3. "Criminal"- Fiona Apple

4. "Don't Need You"- Bikini Kill (Not technically a break-up song, but it sounds like one)

5. "Somebody is Waiting For Me"- Juliana Hatfield